No Title because there are no real words to describe how things are right now. Well...there are words, but none of them seem to really fit.

I got back to school Monday and have been having a ball in my art class. It's technically a design class, something that I really needed. I tend to lean more towards illustration than actual design, so it's good for me. It's funny, there are only a few people in my class, but the teacher definitely pushes me the hardest out of all of them. Perhaps simply because the work I produce is more of what she wants. Ok, ok. I don't want to sound really arrogant or vain, but my stuff is kind of better. Not that I don't love their creativity, because some of the ideas they come up with are really just fabulous. I've already made friends with most of them, I just feel really happy and at ease in the class. And, I can be as weird as I want and not feel like they think badly of me because of it. It's great.

That's not the real reason I'm writing today though. Spike passed yesterday, early afternoon. (She was my super awesome wonderful brilliant 5 foot iguana, for those of you that don't know. I love her more than I could ever describe.) She had been sick for a while, but she's just so funny because she insisted on doing everything she always had. She wanted to go outside (she was housebroken) and still walked all over the place, so that I'd have to go search for her...haha. She was simply amazing, and (though I know this sounds odd), very brave. It's like she waited for me to get back on my own feet. I had her for over 13 years.
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Anyways, it's been a rough couple of days. I'm still going through mild shock (though I knew it was coming, just not when), disbelief/denial, and surprisingly, acceptance. I didn't want to let her go, but I'm glad she made it her choice. The vet said earlier that I would have to choose when to put her down, but....Man, I just couldn't make that decision. So, I decided to let her choose when she wanted to give in. (Stop eating, stop moving, etc.) But, she ultimately made the choice herself. And I'm grateful. It's selfish, perhaps, of me to think so, but I also look at it like this: It was very in character of her. She was stubborn as hell and everything was always on her terms. Haha.

She was outside when it happened, sitting out in the lovely weather under her favorite tree. Mom said she just went to sleep and didn't wake up. So, needless to say, I'm going home for a couple of days to say goodbye. It's going to be hard without her, it already is, but it was really hard knowing that she was dying and not being able to help her. In a small way, perhaps its a relief. She's not in pain anymore.

Wow, that was just really depressing...but, how could it not be? I'm not really going to be able to make a joke and pretend I'm not hurt like I always do when I'm upset...but I think I'll be ok. She was strong, and she wouldn't want me to be any less. It's all a part of life. And yes, I'm aware I'm rationalizing, but there's no real way that I can't. Got to stop crying at some point, right?

Hahaha, my sister is so great. People have been there for me, trying to be comforting, etc. I appreciate their concern but there's nothing they can really say to make it better. But my sister....She calls me in this thick russian accent she does, starts babbling about how she is the Soviet Union, and how the Soviet Union went to Target to get a dress, and it was red and covered in bears...lol. She's great. I laughed. Honestly, that's what's helped me the most. People don't really appreciate how much laughter can really help.

Anyways, I just really needed to write that out. I don't expect anybody to actually want to read it, it's pretty darn sad, haha. But, I often vent through writing, so it helps...

Thanks guys, and thank you Spike. It was a real blessing to know you.
Casey